Quiet. Sweet. Nice. Calm. Good.
These are the words we use to describe little girls when they don’t cause a scene, when they don’t speak up and when they don’t disagree. These are qualities we install into women from an incredibly young age. In fact, we begin to see children demonstrate knowledge of gender related stereotypes by the age of three (Miller et al., 2009). THREE.
By the age of three, young girls are already learning that being “good” often means self-silencing, self-censoring and avoiding conflict.
So when you grow up and you enter into the workforce, whether that’s climbing a career ladder, starting a business or simply advocating for yourself, it can feel incredibly destabilizing and uncomfortable. You’re trying to build authority in a world that has historically expected you to be quiet, helpful and agreeable.
It’s no wonder that so many women struggle to feel in control of their growth. Authority can feel foreign, because it’s something so many of us were never shown, encouraged or allowed to practice.
Authority often requires discomfort because you are pushing back against those early social norms. Setting boundaries, saying no or challenging expectations can feel deeply unnatural when you’ve been conditioned to prioritize everyone else’s comfort first.
It can even feel selfish.
If I’m being honest, the very first time I told myself, “I am allowed to be happy in all parts of my life,” I felt ashamed. I remember thinking: surely, I can’t be happy in every area, because that would mean putting myself first, and the thought of that was absolutely devastating.
At the time, I equated prioritizing myself with hurting others. But now I understand that having the authority to prioritize my needs doesn’t actually mean harming anyone. I can be kind, resilient and empathetic, and still stand up for myself.
Discomfort does’t mean you’re failing. Discomfort is a sign that you are growing, stretching, bending and reshaping the mold you were placed into at a young age. Of course that feels awkward. Of course it feels scary. Sometimes it even feels guilty.
That’s normal.
The real shift happens when we reframe what authority is actually about. It’s not about domination. It’s not about being a militant leader. It’s not about moving through the world with the intention of harm. It’s about moving through the world with a commitment to your own well-being, mentally, emotionally and physically.
And honestly, it’s absurd that anybody would feel guilty about that.
Building authority in your life is about setting boundaries for how you are willing to be treated, and upholding those boundaries when they are not respected. It is about guiding outcomes in a way that include you, respectfully.
But it’s also about shifting your internal dialogue. Moving from: Am I capable? Will they like me? Am I qualified enough? To: I know my worth. I know my value. I know my boundaries. And if those things are not respected, it’s not out of line to be assertive in maintaining them.
Boundaries are non-negotiable. They define how you are treated, what you accept and what you deserve. They protect your energy, your mental health, and they model healthy professional behaviour for the people around you and in the spaces that you exist.
Like any skill, authority takes practice. At first, it feels like shaking knees, a knot in your throat, a heavy pit in your stomach… and honestly it feels terrible. I often found myself nervously pacing after holding a boundary, checking my email, wondering how the client would respond, or bracing for backlash.
But then something honestly shocking happened. Clients understood. Friends apologized. When I had the confidence to hold my boundaries and be authoritative, people met me there. They believed in my value because I did.
It’s okay if it takes time, and it’s okay if the first steps are small. Tell your mom she can’t comment on your body anymore. Tell your clients they need to be on time. Take that deposit on a no-show or last minute cancellation. You will survive it and be better for it.
The goal isn’t to always feel comfortable. The goal is to feel respected, effective and impactful… and happy. And sometimes, that means learning to tolerate discomfort in order to become the person you were never taught you were allowed to be.
With love,
Erin
Citations:
Miller CF, Lurye LE, Zosuls KM, Ruble DN. Accessibility of Gender Stereotype Domains: Developmental and Gender Differences in Children. Sex Roles. 2009 Jun; 60(11-12):870-881. doi: 10.1007/s11199-009-9584-x.
